Q. What do you call a virgin in Arkansas?
A. A girl who can run faster than her brothers!
One day a young man comes home to his father's farm and says 'Dad, I found the most wonderful girl in the world! She lives in Little Rock. She is smart and funny and beautiful, and better yet, she is still a virgin!' The father snaps back, 'A virgin! Son, if she is not good enough for her own family, she is not good enough for you!'
One hot Little Rock day a brother and sister were left home alone while their parents went off to work. The heat was unbearable, so they took off their clothes and laid on the concrete floor of the garage. With all the heat and the way hormones can kick in, they did the deed and had sex. Afterwards, the sister says to her brother, 'Wow, you're as good as Dad!' The brother says, 'Yeah, that's what Mom always says!'
Name: ______________________ Nickname: ____________ CB Handle: _______________
Address (RFD): ________________________________________________________________
Daddy (If unknown, attach list of 3 suspects)__________________________________
Neck color: __Light Red __Medium Red __Dark Red __Other:_____________
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: ______ Lower: ________ Upper: ___________
Make of Pickup: _________________________ Size of Tire: _______________________
Hounds: _______ Type: __Blue Tick __Beagle __ Black and Tan ___Other
Length of Right Leg: ________ Length of Left Leg: ________ Other: _________
How Many Cars/Makes in Front Yard ____________ How many on Blocks__________
How Many Kitchen Appliances on Front Porch__________ Back Porch:_______________
When and where was your last Elvis sighting:
Do You Wear Mostly Polyester Pants With Snags? __Yes __No
Do You Own Any Shoes, Not Boots? __Yes __No
Are You Married to Any of the Following? (Circle all that Apply)
Sister Cousin Cousin's Sister Aunt Other (explain)_______________
Does Your Wife Weigh More Than Your Pickup? __Yes __No
Can You Sign Your Name and Always Spell it Right? __Yes __No
Have You Ever had More Than One Bath in a Week? __Yes __No
Do You Have at Least Two of the Following: __B.O. __Lice __Crabs
__Bad Breath __Scabies __Tattoos __Crossed-Eyes __Runny Nose
__Green Teeth __Yellow Teeth Number of Teeth Missing_______ Other_________
Can You Count past Ten With Your Shoes On? __Yes __No
Favorite Weapon: __Tire Iron __Pick Handle __Log Chain __Shot Gun
Favorite Pastime: __Drinkin' __Coon Huntin' __Fishin' __Oth'r
Truck Equipped with: __Gun Rack __Fuzz Buster __Eight Track __Rebel Flag
__CB Radio __Beer Can __Squirrel Tail
Favorite Vocalist: __Willie Nelson __Johnny Cash __Elvis __Conway Twitty
Bumper Stickers: __Honk If You Love Jesus __Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT __Old Fart
Cap Emblems: __John Deere __CAT __Skoal __Budweiser __Jack Daniels
Memberships: __NRA __VFW __KKK __700 Club __BPOE
Your Signature (One X Will Do): ____________________ Date: ___________________
A LETTER FROM A WEST VIRGINIAN MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER
Dear Louanne Ellie Mae,
I'm writing you this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice first week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a ridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They died because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much happened.
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"