THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
WANTS AND NEEDS:
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical, and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before taking off for a weekend with the guys.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger
Male: An organ of mooning (and farting).
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up women while out with one's girlfriend.
Female: A good movie, concert, play, or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels of business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
Female: A woman who makes love to another woman.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so that men can watch and get really turned on.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call 'boinking' to get women to boink.
Female: A device for changing from one television channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
Female: Fully opening one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup!
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as 'playing hard to get.'
IRRITATING HABIT: What endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from their gals, from 'The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score,' along with some things that are just expected of guys. Therefore, having a score of zero:
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings +5
... but return with beer -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise at night and it's nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise at night and it's something +5
You pummel it with a six-iron +10
It's her father -10
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy -2
... named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has brest implants -8
You visit her parents +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television -3
... and the television is off -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear -15
... And you didn't even go to college -10
... And it's not really your underwear -15
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
Okay, it's a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat-night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team -10
You give her a gift 0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance -10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance +1
You give her a gift and it's not chocolate +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day -10
... with her credit card -30
... and whatever you bought is 2 sizes too big -40
You forget to pick her up at the bus station -25
... which is in Newark, New Jersey -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast -50
A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS:
You have a few beers -9
For every beer after 3:00 A.M. -2
And miss curfew by an hour -12
You get home at 8:00 A.M smelling of booze and cheap cigars -30
... And not wearing any pants -40
Is that a tattoo? -200
A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU:
You go see a comic +2
He's crude and sexist -2
You laugh -5
You laugh too much -10
She's not laughing -15
You laugh harder -25
You lose directions on a trip -4
You lose directions on a trip and end up getting lost -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal -25
She finds out you lied about being a black belt -60
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen more than 30 minutes without looking at the television or picking up the newspaper +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep -10
The Male Stages of Life: The Female Stages of Life:
Age Drink Age Drink
17 Beer 17 Wine Coolers
25 Beer 25 White Wine
35 Vodka 35 Red Wine
48 Double Vodka 48 Dom Perignon
66 Maalox 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
Seduction Line: Excuse for Refusing Dates:
17 My parents are away for the weekend 17 Need to wash my hair
20 My girlfriend is away for the weekend 25 Need to wash and condition my hair
30 My fiance is away for the weekend 35 Need to color my hair
40 My wife is away for the weekend 48 Need to have Francois color my hair
60 My second wife is dead 66 Need to have Francois color my wig
Favorite Sport: Favorite Sport:
17 Sex 17 Shopping
25 Sex 25 Shopping
35 Sex 35 Shopping
48 Sex 48 Shopping
66 Napping 66 Shopping
Drug: Favorite Drug:
17 Pot 17 Shopping
25 Coke 25 Shopping
35 Really good coke 35 Shopping
48 Power 48 Shopping
66 Coke, a limousine, the company jet 66 Shopping
Definition of a Successful Date: Definition of a Successful Date:
17 'Tongue' 17 Burger King
25 'Breakfast' 25 'Free meal'
35 'She didn't set back my therapy' 35 'A diamond'
48 'I didn't have to meet her kids' 48 'A bigger diamond'
66 'Got home alive' 66 'Home alone'
Favorite Fantasy: Favorite Fantasy:
17 Getting to third 17 Tall, dark, handsome
25 Airplane sex 25 Tall, dark, handsome with money
35 Menage-a-trois 35 Tall, dark, handsome with money and a brain
48 Taking the company public 48 A man with hair
66 Swiss maid, Nazi love-slave 66 A man
House Pet: House Pet:
17 Roaches 17 Muffy the cat
25 Stoned-out college roommate 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the cat
35 Irish setter 35 Irish setter and Muffy the cat
48 Children from first marriage 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy
66 Barbi 66 Retired husband stuffs Muffy the cat
Ideal Age to Get Married: Ideal Age to Get Married:
17 25 17 17
25 35 25 25
35 48 35 35
48 66 48 48
66 17 66 66
Ideal Date: Ideal Date:
17 Triple Steven King feature at a drive-in 17 He offers to pay
25 Split the check before we go back to my place 25 He pays
35 Just come over 35 He cooks breakfast
48 Just come over and cook 48 He cooks breakfast for kids
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas 66 He can chew breakfast
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, message, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bather, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, snuggle, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, steal, borrow, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, krazy-glue, respect, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, murmur, angelicize, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, alleviate, spot-weld, serve, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, fop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again ...
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:
Show up naked.
Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date. Numerous well-meaning friends and/or relatives are always willing to 'fix up' unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as 'perfect for you'. However from the description given it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, the following descriptive phrases have been translated ( in parentheses) in to plain English:
'Dandy little housekeeper' (She has been married 3 times and kept all the houses)
'Fine character' (She's ugly)
'Knows how to handle money' (She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours)
'Spotless reputation' (She's ugly)
'Strong family ties' (She's a Mafia Princess)
'Loves children' (She's pregnant and needs a husband)
'Wonderful personality' (She's fat)
'Great sense of humor' (She's fat and will laugh at anything you say)
'The outdoor type' (She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys)
'Ready to settle down' (She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry)
'Likes to have a good time' (She gets drunk a lot)
'Lots of fun at parties' (Often makes an ass of herself)
'Mature woman' (She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty)
'Has the appearance of a young school girl' (She's at least thirty-five but dresses like a teenager)
'Casual' (She dresses like a slob)
'Decorated her own place' (Her apartment resembles a pig sty)
'A great dancer' (She'll wear the soles right off your shoes)
'Not overly emotional' (She only cries twenty-seven times a day)
'Doesn't chase men' (She's more of a mousetrap or black widow spider type)
'Seldom dates' (She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something)
'Understands men' (She's been married and divorced four times)
'A good sport' (She knows two-hundred jokes and can drink you under the table)
'Looks and dresses like a model' (She's 5'11' and weighs 73 pounds)
'Been in show business' (She's a former porn star)
'Traveled a lot' (She's searched high and low for a husband)
'Knows a lot of interesting people' (None of whom would marry her)
'Wonderful disposition' (... okay, YOU guess!)
'Yes' = No
'No' = Yes
'Maybe' = No
'I'm sorry' = You'll be sorry
'We need' = I want
'It's your decision' = The correct decision should be obvious by now!
'Do what you want' = You'll pay for this later!
'Sure, go ahead' = I don't want you to!
'I'm not upset' = Of course I'm upset you moron!
'We need to talk' = I need to complain!
'You're so manly' = You need a shave and you sweat a lot!
'You're certainly attentive tonight' = Is sex all you ever think about?
'Be romantic, turn out the lights' = I have flabby thighs
'This kitchen is so inconvenient' = I want a new house
'I want new curtains' = and new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper, etc...
'Hang the picture there' = NO, I mean hang it there!
'I heard a noise' = I noticed you were almost asleep
'Do you love me?' = I'm going to ask for something expensive
'How much do you love me?' = I did something you're really not going to like
'I'll be ready in a minute' = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
'Is my butt fat?' = Tell me I'm beautiful
'You have to learn to communicate' = Just agree with me
'Are you listening to me?' = Too late, you're dead
'Was that the baby?' = Why don't you get out of bed and rock him until he falls asleep
'I'm not yelling!' = Yes, I AM yelling because I think this is important!
'...The same old thing' = Nothing
'...Everything' = My PMS is acting up
'...Nothing, really' = It's just that you're such an asshole
'I'm hungry' = I'm hungry
'I'm sleepy' = I'm sleepy
'I'm tired' = I'm tired
'Do you want to go to a movie?' = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
'Can I take you out to dinner?' = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
'Can I call you sometime?' = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
'May I have this dance?' = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
'Nice dress!' = Nice cleavage!
'You look tense, let me give you a massage' = I want to fondle you
'What's wrong?' = I don't see why you're making such a big deal about this
'What's wrong?' = What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
'What's wrong?' = I guess sex is out of the question
'I'm bored' = Do you want to have sex?
'I love you' = Let's have sex now
'...I love you too' = Okay I said it... we'd better have sex now!
'Yes, I like the way you cut your hair' = I liked it better before
'Yes, I like the way you cut your hair' = $50 and it doesn't look any different!
'Let's talk' = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
'Will you marry me?' = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys!
'I like that one better' = Pick any freaking dress and let's go home!
'I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together' = I'm gay
FEMALE HORMONES IN BEER
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female
hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each and observed that 100% of them:
- Gained weight
- Talked excessively without making sense
- Became emotional
- Couldn't drive
- Refused to apologize when wrong.
...No further testing is planned
IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY!
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy!
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum!
If she has a boring, repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better!
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favortism.
If she gets a promotion ahead of you, it's equal opportunity!
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference!
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk!
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense!
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman!
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor!
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag!
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic!
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob!
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful!
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious!
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore!
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else!
PEARLS OF WISDOM
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in 2 people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!
WHO ENJOYS 'IT' MORE ?
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got in to an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, 'Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?'. 'That doesn't prove anything', the woman countered, 'Think about this: When your ear itches and you put your finger in and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?'
BRIDGE TO HAWAII
A man was walking along a California beach and stubled across an old lamp. He
picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, 'Okay, okay, you
released me from the lamp, blah blah blah! This is the fourth time this month
that I've been awakened and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can
forget about three... you only get one!' The man sat and thought about it for
a while and said, 'I've always wanted to visit Hawaii but I'm deathly afraid of
flying and I get very seasick on boats. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so
I can drive over there?'
The genie laughed and said, 'That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel! NO, think of another wish!' The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally he said, 'I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... Know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... Know why they're crying... Know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... Know how to make them truely happy...'
The genie interrupts, 'You want that bridge in two lanes or four?'
ON MARRIAGE: ONE-LINERS
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. - Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 30 pounds.
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." - H. Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. - Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.