KIDS FINISHING SAYINGS
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.
SUNDAY SCHOOL CHILDREN'S REAL LETTERS TO GOD:
Dear God, in Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? Jane
Dear God, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Allison
Dear God, Are you really invisible or is that a trick? Lucy
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? Jane
Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
Dear God, Didn't You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to pound my brother. Darla
Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. Bruce
Dear God, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer because I hate her. Denise
Dear God, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. Danny
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry
Dear God, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. Sam
Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. Dean
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nan
Dear God, Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best.
Dear God, My brothers told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? Marsha
Dear God, If You watch me in Church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. Mickey
Dear God, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Chris
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So, I bet he stoled Your idea. Donna
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are God already. - Charles
Quotes excerpted from the answers given by 11 year olds on science exams:
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H20 is hot water, and C02 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire"
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainiurn contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception"
"Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiafion: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat"
KIDS SAY THE DARNEST THINGS:
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He, is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and recpects all duly constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
- Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you... "Shake your hips and hope for the best. Camille, age 9.
- How to make love endure... "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." Brandon, age 7.
BOY VS. GIRL
An 8-yr. old boy walks home from school each day past an 8-yr. old girl's house.
One day he's passing by carrying a football and can't resist taunting the girl.
He holds up the football and says, 'See this? Football is a boy's game, and only
boys can have a football!'
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, 'I want a football! Being a woman of the 90's, her mother gets her one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy as he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football and says 'NAH NAH!' The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, 'Oh yeah, well this is a boy's bike and only boys get boy's bikes and you can't have one!'
She runs in the house to her mother, and the next day is waiting for him on her new boy's bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants. Pointing to his most private parts, he says, 'Look, only boys have these and your Mom can't buy you one!'
The next day he walks by her and says, 'Well, I guess I showed you!', to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her most private parts and proclaims, 'NAH NAH! My mother says that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!'
A LETTER FROM CAMP:
Dear Mom and Dad,
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are O.K. Only 1 of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh, yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the Search and Rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down ... that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the Highway Patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
A husband, wife, and their two sons are watching T.V. The wife looks at her husband and winks at him. He gets the message and says, 'Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going to our room for a little while ...' Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parent's bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few seconds, then trots downstairs to get his little brother. As the boy takes his brother up to peek into the bedroom he says, 'Before you look in there, keep in mind that this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs!'
WALKING THE DOG
A little girl asked, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mother replied, 'No, because Fee-Fee is in heat.' 'What's that mean?,' asked the child. 'Go ask your father,' says her mother, 'I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes into the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Fee-Fee for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you.' Her father said, 'Bring Fee-Fee over here ...' He took a rag, soaked it in gasoline and scrubbed the dog's butt with it. 'O.K., you can go now,'says her father, 'but keep Fee-Fee on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog and no leash! 'Where's Fee-Fee?' asked her father. The daughter replied, 'Fee-Fee ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home.'
Mom and her 6 yr. old daughter, Nicole were walking in a shopping mall when two teenaged girls approached, both with pierced belly-buttons! Upon seeing this, Nicole tugs at her mom's arm and says, 'Mom, look! They put their earrings in the wrong place!'