A "Dilbert Quotes" contest was held recently asking for people to submit quotes from their real-life, Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the responses.
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
5. This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks, and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
7. My Boss spent the entire weekend re-typing a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
9. How About Friday: My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
11. We reeently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
13. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
14. I am not making this up. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"
When the Baby was first made all the parts wanted to be BOSS.
The Brain said, 'Since I control everything an do all the thinking I should be BOSS.'
The Feet said, 'Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him into position to do what the Brain wants I should be BOSS.'
The Hands said, 'Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be BOSS.'
The Eyes said, 'Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, I should be BOSS.'
And so it went, the Heart, the Ears, the Lungs, and finally the ASSHOLE spoke and demanded to be BOSS. All of the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an ASSHOLE being BOSS.
The ASSHOLE was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at the sides, the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the Brain to repent and let the ASSHOLE be BOSS, and so it happened.
All the other parts did all the work and the ASSHOLE just bossed and PASSED OUT A LOT OF SHIT.
--- MORAL: You do not have to be a Brain to be Boss, just an ASSHOLE. ---
IF YOU'RE CAUGHT FALLING ASLEEP AT WORK, THESE HAVE BEEN CHOSEN AS THE TOP 10 EXCUSES TO GIVE:
10. 'They told me at the blood bank this might happen'
9. 'This is just a 15-min power-nap like they raved about in the last Time- Management course you sent me to.'
8. 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the Typex again.'
7. 'I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm'
6. 'This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!'
5. 'Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands'
4. 'I was actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.'
3. 'Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.'
2. 'Those sleeping pills... goodbye cruel world ...'
1. And the #1 thing to say if you are caught sleeping at your desk: 1. 'Amen.'