GAY BAR JOKE
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck", he thinks, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
'STRAIGHT BAR' JOKE
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, 'Give me six double vodkas!' The bartender says, 'Wow! You must have had one hell of a day!' 'Yes!' replied the man, 'I just found out my older brother is gay.' The next day the same guy came into the bar and again, ordered six double- vodkas. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the guy answered, 'I just found out that my younger brother is gay, too!' On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six vodkas. The bartender said, 'Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?' The man replied, 'Yeah, my wife!'
COMING OUT A gay man finally decided he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, and went over to their house, where he found his mother cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said 'Mom, I have something to tell you ... I'm gay.' His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she heard him when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, 'You're gay ... Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?' The guy said nervously, 'Uh, yeah Mom, that's right.' His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with a spoon and said, 'Don't you ever complain about my cooking again!'
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope, and appeared in court
before the Judge. 'You seem like nice young men,' said the Judge, '... and I'd
like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out
this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use, and get them to give
up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.'
Monday comes, the two guys show for their court date, and the Judge says to the first guy, 'How did you do this weekend?' 'Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever,' said the young man. The Judge replied, '17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?' The guy says, 'I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, one large, one small and told that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.'
'That's admirable,' said the Judge, '... and how did you do?' said the Judge to the second guy. 'Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.' replied the second young man. '156 people! That's incredible!' exclaimed the Judge, 'How did you manage that?!' The second guy answered, 'Well, I used the same 2 circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them ... This is your asshole before prison ... '
A hippie, sitting on the bus, notices a young nun sitting across from him and
at once finds himself very attracted to her. He moves to sit with her and after
telling her that she is the most beautiful young woman he has ever seen, asks
her out to dinner. The nun declines and the hippie proceeds to invite her for a
'roll in the hay' with him sometime. The nun declines his offer and gets out at
the next stop.
The hippie, offended and very disappointed, strikes up a conversation with the bus driver. The driver leans over and says to the hippie, 'You really want the nun, huh?' After the hippie nods empathetically and demonstrates his point with several lewd gestures, the driver grins, thinks for a moment, and says, 'Well, every Thursday at 6 PM, she takes this bus to the local cemetery, where she prays for about an hour. You two could be alone there ...'
The hippie gets excited as he thinks of a plan. Thursday comes and the hippie waits by the entrance to the cemetery. Sure enough, at 6 PM he sees the nun enter and clasps her hands in prayer. The eager hippie opens his knapsack and puts on his costume: a long, flowing white and bearded mask ... He tosses a handful of glitter at the nun, catching her attention while walking slowly towards her. 'My child,' he says in a soft voice, 'It is I, your Lord. You have been such a faithful servant to me, I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience.' The nun gasps, 'Oh, well, that is fine, but could you take me from behind? At least that way I could consider my self a virgin. My vow of celibacy is important to me.'
The hippie, eager to get going, nods and takes the nun in his arms. He turns her around, bends her over and performs anal sex until they are both pleasantly worn out. After they are finished, the hippie pulls off his mask and shouts, 'Ha-ha! I'm the hippie!' to which the nun responds by taking off his mask and shouting, 'Ha-ha! I'm the bus driver!'
POTENTIAL VS. REALITY
A boy comes home from school one day with an assignment from his teacher:
Determine the difference between 'potential' and 'reality.' So the boy decides
to ask his father.
The father thinks for a moment, then says, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks.' The son, looking bewildered, goes and does what his father asked. He returns and says, 'Yep, Dad, she said that she would.' The father then says, 'Now go ask your sister the same question.' The son, although a bit puzzled, does this and comes back with the same response that his mother gave him. The father then tells the boy to go ask his brother. The son is getting a bit annoyed by now, but does the same. Sure enough, his brother would sleep with the mailman for a million bucks.
The boy finally says, 'OK, Dad, I'm tired of asking people questions. Can you please tell me the difference between potential and reality?'
'Sure son,' the father replies, 'This family has the potential to make 3 million bucks, but the reality is that we live with two sluts and a fag!'
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD
MAN: Hi there new neighbor. It sure is a nice day to be moving.
Neighbor 1: Yes, it is, and people around here seen extremely friendly.
MAN: So, what do you do for a living?
Neighbor 1: I'm a professor at the university. I teach deductive reasoning.
MAN: Deductive reasoning ... what is that?
Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. I see that you have a doghouse out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.
MAN: That's right.
Neighbor 1: The fact that you have a dog leads me to believe you have a family.
MAN: Right again.
Neighbor 1: Since you have a family, I deduce that you have a wife.
Neighbor 1: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are a heterosexual.
Neighbor 1: Cool.
Later that same day ...
MAN: Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door.
Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy?
MAN: Yes, and he has an interesting job.
Neighbor 2: Oh yeah, and what does he do?
MAN: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the university.
Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning ... what is that?
MAN: Let me give you an example. Do you have a doghouse?
Neighbor 2: No.