A FARMER AND HIS PIGS
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc ... After
several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a
veterinarian for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes up and looks at the pigs. Seeing that they are still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them into the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes to find the pigs are still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. 'No,' she says, 'They're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn!'
A FARMER AND THE DEVIL
A farmer from the wheat fields of Washington state dies and goes to Hell.
While down there the Devil notices that the farmer is not suffering like the
rest. He checks the gauge and sees that it's 95 degrees and about 80% humidity.
So he goes over to the farmer and ask why he's so happy. The farmer says, 'The
temperature is just like plowing my fields in June.'
The devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer and decides to 'get' him, so he goes over to his controls and turns up the temperature to 105 degrees and the humidity to 90%. Afterwards he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil asks the farmer, again, why he's so happy. The farmer replies, 'This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July.'
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer. He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 115 degrees and the humidity to 100%. 'Now let's see what that farmer is up to!' he says as he goes looking for him. He finds the farmer sitting on the floor even happier than before. The Devil can't figure it out and asks the farmer why he's so happy. The farmer replies, 'This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August!' The Devil, angrily walking away, says to himself, 'That's it! I'll get this farmer!' He goes over to his controls and turns the temperature down to a freezing 10 degrees below zero! Within a matter of minutes, the pools of molten brimstone begin to ice over. 'Let's see what that farmer has to say about this!' the Devil says to himself.
He looks around and finds the farmer jumping up and down for joy and yelling, 'THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS MUST HAVE FINALLY WON THE SUPERBOWL!'
A FARMLAND GAS STATION
John and Cathy were driving through Arkansas farmlands on their way from New
York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, John decided to stop at the next
gas station and fill up. About five minutes later, he spotted one and pulled
over to the high octane pump.
'What can I do fer y'all?,' asks the attendant.
'Fill her up with high-test,' replied John.
While the attendant was filling up the tank, he started checking out the car. 'What kind of car is dat?' he asked, 'never seen one like it b'fore.' 'Well,' responded John, his chest swelling up with pride, 'This, my boy, is a 1997 Mercedes Benz.'
'What all does it got in it?' asked the attendant. 'It has everything,' John said. 'It has power steering, power seats, power sunroof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10-deck CD player, 8-speaker stereo, disks brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package and, best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine.'
'Wow,' said the attendant, 'That's really somethin'.'
'How much do I owe you for gasoline?' asked John.
'That'll be $30.17.' said the attendant.
John pulled out his money clip and peeled off a twenty and a ten, then goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are golf tees. 'What dem little wooden things.' asked the attendant. 'That's what I put my balls on when I drive.' said John. 'WOW!' said the attendant, 'dem Mercedes people think of everything!'
TWO FARMBOYS AND A BLONDE
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car
when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens
to be near a farmhouse.
She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him 'Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?'
'Well,' drawls the farmer, 'You can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke.'
She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in their early 20's. 'Okay,' she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, 'Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?' They say, 'Huh?' She says, 'The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
40 years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, 'Luke?'
Luke says, 'Yeah, Jed?'
Jed says, 'Remember that blonde woman that came by here about 40 years ago and showed us the ways of the world?'
'Yeah,' says Luke. 'I remember.'
'Do you care if she gets pregnant?' asks Jed.
'Nope,' says Luke, 'I reckon not.'
'Me neither,' says Jed. 'What the hell, let's take these things off!'