The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice would win the money. Many people had tried over time (body-builders, construction workers, etc. ..), but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, 'I'd like to try the bet.' After the laughter died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away . . . then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the group cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked, 'What do you do for a living? Do you take martial arts or what?' The man replied, 'I work for the IRS.'
USE THE DUMPSTER
This girl was in a bar and told the bartender she had to pee. The bartender told her the restroom was out-of-order, but she could go out and piss in the dumpster - not to worry, he tells her, all the guys do it. So out the back door she goes, looks in the dumpster - it's empty - so she climbs in and drops her pants, squats, and pees. When she stands up she hits her head on the lid and it knocks her out cold. Meanwhile, a regular in the bar tells the bartender he's going home to fuck his old lady, but first he's gotta piss. The bartender tells him the restroom is still broke and he'll have to go to the dumpster. He walks out, whips it out and while pissing, looks in the dumpster and sees the woman. 'Why not?,' he thinks. So he climbs in and fucks the hell out of the woman. He walks back in the bar and orders another beer. The bartender says, 'I thought you were going home to fuck your old lady?' 'Shit, man,' the regular says, 'You throw away better pussy than I get at home.'
THE BEST FRIEND
A man walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, 'Give me a shot of the strongest thing you have.' The bartender does. The man takes the shot down then says, 'Give me another.' The bartender obliges, then says, 'What's wrong, Mister?? The man says that he just caught his wife in bed with his best friend. The bartender then says, 'Well, what did you do?' The man says, 'I told my wife to pack her things and get the hell out of my house!' The bartender then asks, ' What did you say to your best friend?' The man replies, 'I said 'BAD DOGGIE!'
THE PHONE GUY
A man walks into a bar and he has had a couple of drinks already. He sits down at the bar and says, 'Hey, bartender, gimme a drink.' The bartender hands him a drink and while this guy is sipping at it, he starts pushing on his hand like it's a telephone... then, of all things, he starts talking into it! The bartender is thinking, 'This guy had a few too many already. I'm cutting him off.' The man looks at the bartender when he's done talking and says, 'Bartender gimme another.' The bartender says, 'No way. I saw you talking to your hand like it's a telephone. I'm cutting you off.' The guy shoves his hand in front of the bartender and says, 'Here ... listen...' So the bartender does, and his hand really IS a phone! The bartender is amazed and gives the man another drink. After finishing off his second, the man gets up and goes to the restroom. About a half-hour later, the bartender hasn't seen the guy and thinks, 'Gee, maybe I should have cut him off... He probably passed out or something.' So he goes to check on the guy. As he opens the door to the restroom, he sees the guy in there naked (clothes in a pile next to him), hands against the wall in 'The Position' with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his ass. 'What the HELL are you DOING??!,' says the bartender. The guy turns calmly around, looks him straight in the face and says, 'What else? I'm waiting for a fax.'
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the
locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he
finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the
bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even
looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Q. What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist?
A. A proctologist only sees one asshole at a time!