ACTUAL NEWS - AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING A BAD DAY!!!
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year old Vitiorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out, and swim to shore ... where a tree blew over and killed him!
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas, was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when a truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge, killing him!
Walter Hallas, a 26-year old store clerk in Leed, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused him to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull!
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, Rhode Island, narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him!
Depressed because he could not find a job, 42-year old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand, threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded with him not to do it, and after about an hour, he burst into tears and threw the gun the floor ... It went off and killed his wife!
In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of lake Kushaqua, New York, was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright!
A man hit by a car in New York, in 1977, got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death!
Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, climbed over a 9-foot wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison!
TRUE STORY FROM MICHIGAN:
A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly
payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are
frozen. These two guys go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of
course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. (Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?) Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite).... under the brand new Cherokee.
----BOOM!---- Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments!!
DARWIN AWARDS RUNNER-UP (he didn't die):
Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went over board to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of 'Crazy Glue' ... the hard way. Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger. 'Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank,' said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. 'It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear,' said Douglass. 'I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for awhile.' Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. 'I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo,' commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY WHEN ...
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.
Your twin brother forgets your birthday.
You call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put you on HOLD.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
It costs you more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/-girlfriend.
You put both contacts into the same eye.
Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
You invite the Peeping Tom in ... and he says 'No.'
The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
People guess that you're 40 and you're only 25.
You call your spouse and say that you'd like to eat out tonight, and when you get home you find a sandwich on the front porch.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night ... and there aren't any.
JOE'S BAD DAY
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older, he was increasingly hampered by incredibly debilitating headaches. When they struck, all he could do was grab his head and moan in agony: 'WHAAAAAAAAH!' When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. 'The good news is, I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing and important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life! He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need, a new suit!' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The salesman eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see ... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' It's my job,' replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure...' The salesman eyed Joe briefly and said, 'Let's see... 26 sleeve and 17 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right. How did you know?' 'It's my job,' replied the salesman. The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about new shoes?' Joe was on a roll and said, 'Sure...' The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, 'Let me see . . . 9-1/2 wide.' Joe was astonished, 'That's right, how did you know?.' 'It's my job,' replied the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about a new hat?' Without hesitation, Joe said, 'Sure...' The salesman eyed Joe's' head and said, 'Let's see ... 7-5/8.' Joe was incredulous, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'It's my job.' replied the salesman. The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great when the salesman asked, 'how about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a second and said, 'Sure...' The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, 'Let me see... size 36.' Joe laughed, 'No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old!' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!' Suddenly, Joe's headache returned: 'WHAAAAAH!'