HOW OLD ARE YOU?
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? "I'm four and a half." You're never 36 and a half. That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony ... YOU BECOME 21, YES! But then you turn 30 - ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40, YOU REACH 50, and your dreams are gone. Then YOU MAKE IT to 60. And you build up so much speed you HIT 70! Into the 90s you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again "I'm 100 and a half!"
THE VALUE OF TIME
To realize the value of one year:
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of one minute:
Ask the person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize the value of one second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
A man and his wife of 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments. After years of practice, they rocked to the same pace. Suddenly, the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a hard and loud whack hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath, he gasped and asked, 'What you do that fer?' 'That's fer 50 years of bad sex.' she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock until suddenly the man stopped and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp whack, he hit his wife across the shins. As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak, she asked, 'What was that fer?' 'That,' said her husband as he began to rock again, 'is fer knowin' the difference.'
An old man goes to his doctor. 'What can I do for you?' asks the doctor. 'I think my wife has died.' says the old man. 'What do you mean, you think your wife has died? Surely you know whether or not she's dead?!,' asks the doctor. The old man replies, 'Well, sex is still the same, but the laundry seems to be piling up.'
Two elderly widowers, George and Peter, had been the best of friends and made a pact with each other that when the first died, he would try to contact the other. George died first and one night shortly after, Peter was lying in bed when he thought he heard a voice. 'Is that you, George?' he asked. 'Sure is, old buddy, and I am very well.' he answered. Peter then asked his friend to describe an average day, which went something like this: 'I wake up at 5:00 A.M. and have some sex, followed by a breakfast. I lounge around for a while and at about 1:00 P.M. I have some more sex, followed by lunch. In the early afternoon I have more sex once again before my dinner at 6:00 P.M. I'm usually asleep by 9:00 P.M., and that's just about what an average day consists of.' Peter then asks, 'Is heaven like that every day?' and George answers, 'Heaven? Hell, I'm a bull in South Dakota.'
An elderly couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, 'What can I do for you?' The man said, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, 'There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally, the doctor asks, 'Just exactly what are you trying to find out?' The old man said, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She is married, so we can't go to her house ... I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00, the Hilton charges $78.00. We do it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office.
An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the bag and open an account in the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the president of the bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request, and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles to $1000-dollar bills, which amounted to 3 million, he telephoned the president's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's' office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president asked how she had come into such a large sum of money. 'Was it an inheritance?,' he asked. 'No,' she replied. 'Was it from playing the stock market?' he inquired. 'No,' she answered. He sat quiet for a moment, trying to think of how the elderly woman could have possibly come up with 3 million dollars cash, when she stated, 'I bet.' 'As in horses?,' he asked. 'No,' she replied, 'I bet people.' Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, 'I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square.' The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose! For the rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and to take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was O.K. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance ... he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day: How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown to his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in his office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved. 'Well,' she asked, 'What about our bet?' 'I don't know how to tell you this,' he replied, 'but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!' The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought that was a reasonable request, considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine... The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head across the wall. 'What's wrong with him?,' he inquired. 'Oh, him,' she answered, 'I bet him $100,000 that by 10 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan bank by the balls!
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold
hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.
"Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.
"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN ...
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder & find it leaning against the wrong wall
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is '20-years ago today ...'
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
The little old gray-haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90s
1. You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
5. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8. You didn't give your Valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
9. Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play.
10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.
11. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.